The Perpetual Bridesmaid

Have you ever felt like this?

"But for half a decade, Peruvian food has been the perpetual bridesmaid of the food world: repeatedly admired and repeatedly cast aside."

Don't let this be you! Try HeyU and honeymoon in Lima!

Check out this cool food article These Four Unique Cuisines Are Drawing Tourists to Lima by the Thousands (Bloomberg) tho. We can't help but admire a beautiful sentence when we read one.

Lima District, Peru by Ashim D'Silva from Unsplash 

Lima District, Peru by Ashim D'Silva from Unsplash 

Social Anxiety and Dating: 8 Tips for those First Date Nerves

Have you ever felt anxious on a date? Here at HeyU, we've found an amazing online coaching platform called Joyable. It's clinically proven to help you overcome social anxiety and ace that date! Check out this article written by Aimee Zhang from Joyable.

Photo by Mayur Gala, posted on Unsplash

Photo by Mayur Gala, posted on Unsplash

 

Nervous about a date? You’re not alone. Experiencing anxiety around dating is common. Dating can be especially nerve-wracking for those with social anxiety. According to a survey we conducted*, 41% of single adults with social anxiety will spend Valentine’s Day staying in by themselves, while only 27% of single adults without social anxiety plan to spend the holiday at home alone.

As we approach Valentine’s Day, we would love to provide some practical tips for dealing with social anxiety while dating (whether around this time of the year or year-round). These tips are based on techniques of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), the leading treatment for people with social anxiety.

    1. Recognize when you jump to conclusions too quickly. Some of the most common anxious thoughts that people have when they think about dating are: My date doesn’t like me, or I will be boring. We have a tendency to predict that negative things will happen to us in the future and try to read other people’s minds. However, unless you have telepathic powers, you can’t know what will happen in the future or what others are thinking. What you do know so far is that someone agreed to go on a date with you, and if she did not like you, she probably would not have agreed to go on this date.
    2. Remember, you don’t look as nervous as you feel. Before a date, you might feel the first date nerves and worry about shaking, blushing, sweating, or showing other signs of the jitters. Research shows that people tend to overestimate the visibility of their own anxiety [1]. In other words, you are likely to be much more aware of signs that you’re nervous than your date is.
    3. Be present. During a date, try to focus on listening and responding to the other person. That way, you can keep up with the conversation and not spend all of your energy worrying about your anxiety. Also, remember that everyone in a conversation is equally responsible for how it flows. If the conversation feels awkward, remember that it’s not all on you to change things.
    4. Challenge your anxious thoughts. After the date, it’s easy to nitpick all the things you think you did wrong and berate yourself, but remember that is your social anxiety talking. When you’re anxious, you tend to interpret a situation as being more negative than it actually is. It might be helpful to ask yourself what the worst case scenario is and what would happen if it came true. Would you be able to survive it? For example, it might be helpful to think, The worst case scenario is that things don’t work out with this person, but if so, I would be able to cope with that because there are other fish in the sea.
    5. Set realistic expectations. Many of my clients report feeling anxious about pauses in a conversation. I like to remind them that pauses are a natural part of a conversation. Even if you do say something that you think is awkward or spill your drink, that’s okay. If your date is going to judge you based off of one thing you did or said, then you might want to think about whether or not you want to date someone with such high expectations or who will judge you so quickly.
    6. Set manageable goals. Take things one step at a time. If you view a date as an opportunity to learn more about another person and have fun—rather than as a mission to find a life partner—chances are you will be less anxious. According to CBT, there are different ways to interpret a situation, and it’s our interpretation of a situation that makes us anxious, rather than the situation itself. Setting realistic goals for yourself (e.g. I only have to show up; I only have to go on one date with this person) can calm some of those dating nerves.
    7. Practice. Research shows that one of the most effective ways to decrease anxiety is to gradually face what you are afraid of, which helps you become less anxious about it over time. If you experience social anxiety around dating, start small by initiating conversations with a barista you find attractive or by giving a stranger a small compliment.
    8. Celebrate the small wins. Even if one date does not go well, remember that you have taken a big step towards overcoming anxiety by making the effort to go on it. Along the way, you might learn what qualities you like or don’t like in a partner. You might have some fun stories to tell. You might learn what cuisine is the least messy to eat (open to debate). Either way, it took courage to put yourself out there to seek out meaningful relationships, and that in and of itself is a victory.

Further Resources
Research shows that CBT is effective for treating social anxiety. To find out whether you can benefit from Joyable, an online CBT program shown to help people overcome their social anxiety, take our social anxiety quiz.

Methodology
*Joyable surveyed 1,188 U.S. adults via Survey Monkey between November 30 and December 1, 2015. The margin of error is +/-2.76 percentage points assuming a 95 percent confidence level.

Aimee is a Client Coach at Joyable where she gets to help people work toward their social anxiety goals. Outside of work, she watches action/Sci-Fi movies with friends, participates in various aerobic physical activities, and tutors underserved youths in East Palo Alto. She is living vicariously through her friends’ dating experiences.

Sources

[1] Hope, D. A., Heimberg, R. G., & Turk, C. L. (2010). Managing social anxiety: A cognitive-behavioral therapy approach: Workbook. New York: Oxford University Press

HeyU Reading List: He's Just Not that Into You

We didn't want to like He's Just Not that Into You, but we loved it.

For one, we weren't huge fans of Sex and the City. Don't kill us! The clothes were gorgeous; all the women were fierce, and the show had a glitz that spoke to our country hearts. But when we watched an episode on TV, we were always more "eh," than "ah!" Maybe we were at the wrong age.

Anyway, why aren't women penning books titled She's Just Not That Into You? We've had several instances where that book would have come pretty handy.

When we finally read He's Just Not that Into You, we realized that this was a feminist book! Greg, the blonde tipped, ska loving writer loves women! It's a book that tells you to love yourself and to stop making excuses for the men in your life. It's not that "he's not into you," it's he's not good enough, so move on. In the words of Steve Harvey, "Men respect standards--get some." If he doesn't call, doesn't invite you to dinner (to all the ladies on internet dating), doesn't treat you well, then move on. A person who cares for you will always make time for you.

We're learning this one day at a time! Read this book; laugh at the jokes; see yourself in the scenarios, and move on.

We out, grandma sweaters and all.

Team HeyU

P.S.- have you read any good relationship books lately?

Aubergine Eiffel Tower

This is not dating related at all, but I'm at my first hackathon: a game hackathon. I haven't played a computer game since I was nine years old, and I've never designed a game. This isn't the game that we're making (we're making a monochromatic, single player game called SoulSplit), but if you're a game designer, you should consider making this:

Your girlfriend just broke up with you. In protest, you try to knock over the Eiffel Tower with eggplants. To stop you from destroying one of the greatest wonders of the world, you ex offers to get back together. What do you do? Knock over the Eiffel Tower & win the game or get back together with her and win another type of game? 

Go

It's fun working at HeyU. I promise.

Conflict Resolution

"Anyone can become angry--that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way--that is not easy."

Aristotle, The Nichomachean Ethics

Whether in love, in friendship, or at work-- think of this.

Women Crush Everyday

It's friendship week at HeyU! I had the good fortune of interviewing Amy, one of my best childhood friends, over Christmas break. We've known each other since the sixth grade! Our friendship was sealed in 7th grade basketball; she was the guard and I was the post.  

Amy's kindness, encouragement, and courage has no bounds! She has been a troop leader for inner city kids and loves art education. Her favorite part about studying abroad in London was going to temple and staying for a home cooked meal. Her love for life and different cultures inspires me to be the best I can be. I am so grateful for her friendship.

Amy is our women crush everyday. Here's to friendship and being grateful for the people in our lives.